Searching for Time 1/1 (PG)
by Tuch
Summary: Laguna tries to build a relationship with Squall, but Squall is being uncooperative. Can he get by with a little help from his friends? Mostly from Quistis's POV.


Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 8 or its characters. Wish I did. 

Note: This fanfic focuses on Squall's relationship with Laguna. It's very angsty, so you've been warned. I hope you like it. 

Feedback: I live and breathe it. I brim, I froth, I overflow at the thought of it. I don't even mind flames. At least it's something. 

* * *

SEARCHING FOR TIME 1/1 (PG)

Quistis watched the SeeD commander flex and unflex the fingers in his right hand. She could practically see the thought bubble over his head, although she knew the words would never leave his lips -- should I go or shouldn't I go? His brow furrowed, deepening the scar on his forehead. How many hours had she stood like this, observing her student -- former student -- and wondering what was going on inside his head? She couldn't remember, but it was enough for her to know when Squall was brooding endlessly. 

She stepped up behind him quietly, placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, and felt him twitch almost imperceptibly as he broke from his reverie. 

"You're not going to keep the president of Esthar waiting, are you?" she asked. 

Not surprisingly, he didn't answer. Quistis pulled up a chair and sat in front of him. The commander's office was quiet in the late afternoon, and the glow of his monitor cast a light shade of blue on his face. 

"He's been sending you messages for weeks," Quistis continued. "You can't avoid him forever."

"I can try," Squall countered, and he stood from his chair. Quistis followed him with her eyes as he paced back and forth across the room. 

"He's your father, Squall. A lot's happened, but he wants to get to know you. Why won't you give him a chance?" 

She thought back to the day they'd first heard the news. Squall, Rinoa, Quistis, Zell, Irvine and Selphie had filed into the president's chamber after the huge parade Esthar had thrown them. Laguna's chocolate hair was sprinkled with confetti, and everyone was in high spirits – even Squall, who'd worn a cloak of melancholy ever since they'd returned from time compression. Laguna lumbered toward their group and embraced Squall, catching the stoic leader off guard. 

"I'm so glad you're here!" he'd bellowed, loud enough for everyone within earshot to hear. "I've been waiting for so long to tell you you're my son. We have so much to talk about!" 

Quistis was sure there had to have been a better way to break the news, but that wasn't Laguna's style. He spouted whatever thought popped into his head. At the revelation, Squall backed up out of the room, followed by Rinoa. Quistis didn't know what was said, but the next time she saw either of them was on the transport out of Esthar. Squall never returned to speak to Laguna, and he hadn't mentioned him since. Quistis knew Laguna was still trying to contact his son, because he'd sent messages to all of them, asking for their help in getting Squall to talk to him. And they'd tried, but no one could get him to do anything he didn't want to do -- even Rinoa, who had stopped trying when it seemed as if Squall was withdrawing deeper into himself. 

And now here he was, pacing in his office like a caged animal. He suddenly stopped and locked eyes with her.

"I have no business with Laguna. We barely know each other." 

"What are you talking about?!" she asked, exasperated. "He's your father. The rest of us would give anything to have our parents---"

"But we have nothing in common," he cut in. "Before those little trips into the dream world, I'd never even seen him before. Why dredge up things that should stay buried?"

"Why are you so afraid?" she asked quietly. She wondered how hard she could push. Since they'd returned safely from Ultimicia's castle, Squall had been a little more open, but he still wasn't exactly a free-spirited blabbermouth. Maybe Rinoa would be a better choice for this conversation, but Rinoa was off visiting her father, so Quistis would have to do her best. 

"Look, Squall, I know I can't force you to see him, but if you don't, you're going to spend the rest of you life thinking about him, until one day it'll be too late. And I won't feel sorry for you, because you're just being stubborn."

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me, and I'm not seeing him. You can go now," he said, gesturing toward the door. Quistis sighed and got up to leave. 

"Fine, I'm going. But you're wrong about something else. You do have something in common. You're both heroes." She walked out of his office and into the hall, taking the last word with her. 

"I'm sorry, President Loire," Quistis said to the face on her video screen. "He won't budge." 

Laguna, whose body language betrayed his every emotion, slumped in his chair. "It's not your fault," he said. "And please, call me Laguna." Quistis felt the warmth creep up her face. Somehow, it seemed improper to call the president of a major world nation by his first name. 

"I'm at a loss," Laguna confessed.

"If you don't mind me prying, sir, why didn't you ever go back for Squall?"

"I always meant to. I wanted to go back for him and Ellone, but other things always got in the way. There was defeating Adel, and then making sure she stayed defeated. Before I knew it, 17 years had gone by, and I was sending my son to war against the most powerful sorceress of all time. How did that happen?"

Quistis recognized a rhetorical question when she heard one, so she wisely kept her mouth shut. 

"Maybe I should just give up," he said. 

"Don't do that," Quistis pleaded. The sadness in his eyes was almost more than she could take. "I've known Squall all my life. He's not an easy person to get to know, but it's worth the work. He's a good man -- just like his father." 

Laguna smiled, and his face lit up. "You're right. I've defeated enemy troops and a powerful sorceress, and I've saved the world. I'm not gonna be knocked down by a dumb kid. If he won't come to me, I'll go to him. I'm coming to Balamb Garden."

Quistis felt her stomach churn the way it always did when she'd done something she was sure she was going to regret. "I'll tell Squall you're coming," she said evenly. 

"No, don't do that. I want to surprise him."

"If I may be so bold, sir, it didn't go over very well the last time you surprised him."

"I know that," Laguna said, "but I don't want him taking off before I get there. You know, on some 'unexpected' Garden business. You understand."

"Yes, I do. He won't hear it from me. You have my word."

The video connection terminated, and Quistis dropped her head into her hands. This had the potential to be a huge disaster with the words "Property of Quistis Trepe" written all over it. 

Quistis and Irvine watched Laguna approach Garden from the second-floor deck. He looked unusually conservative, with dark slacks, a white, button-down shirt tucked into his pants, and shiny black shoes. He had a small, understuffed duffel bag flung over one shoulder, and his hair was down around his shoulders. He looked carefree, except for the rigid way he held his arms at his side. 

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Irvine asked.

"Of course I'm not sure," Quistis answered. "And it wasn't my idea. There wasn't much I could do to stop him." Quistis hadn't wanted to break her promise to Laguna, but she had to tell someone that he was coming before she popped, and Irvine had seemed like the safest bet. Selphie's first move would have been to throw a party for "Sir Laguna," Zell would have accidentally spilled the news, and Rinoa was too far away to be much support. Still, Quistis was glad that Rinoa had finally decided to make amends with her father. Now, if only her boyfriend would be as reasonable. 

Laguna spotted them and waved, and they waved back. 

"So, what do you think Squall is going to do?" Quistis asked the gunslinger beside her. 

"Freak out in a Squall kind of way."

"You mean mutter, 'whatever,' and lock himself in the training center?"

"Yeah, and then have both of us shot."

Quistis laughed nervously. She didn't think he would hurt them, but he would be mad. Would he ever speak to them again?

Quistis and Irvine walked into the lounge outside the commander's office and saw that Laguna had already made himself comfortable -- or as comfortable as he could get -- in one of the seats. He seemed to notice as Irvine quirked an eyebrow at his attire. 

"I know," Laguna said. "It's not exactly me, but it was it was Kiros's idea. He said if it was too soon to win my son's love, at least I could get his respect. Which is why I'm not dressed like a beach bum." Irvine and Quistis nodded and guided him toward the door. 

"Squall thinks he's meeting with the new headmaster of Trabia Garden to discuss ways Balamb can help them rebuild," Irvine explained. "And he is. Next week."

Laguna grinned boyishly. "Sneaky, but effective."

The SeeDs watched him walk down the corridor toward Squall's office. The door opened for him, and then closed behind him as the office swallowed him up. They waited a few long moments, but there was nothing but silence from the other side of the door.

"We're never going to hear anything from over here," Irvine complained. 

"Are you suggesting we eavesdrop on a private conversation?"

"Of course not. I'm suggesting we maneuver ourselves into a position that will enable us to keep abreast of important Garden business."

Quistis tried to hide a smile. Leave it to Irvine to make spying sound noble. They tiptoed down the hall and pressed their ears to the door. The voices were low but clear. 

"You shouldn't have come here," Squall said. His voice was even, as if he were giving a report on the state of the cafeteria's hot dogs. 

"You didn't give me much of a choice. You wouldn't answer my calls or--" 

"I didn't answer your calls because I don't want to talk to you."

Quistis pulled back, startled. Squall had always been distant, even rude, but never this…mean. She leaned back toward the door. 

"I'm sorry," Squall said, "but I don't know what you want from me. Do you want to spend Sunday mornings fishing? Or maybe you want to play ball in the yard and eat pizza in the park. Well, the time for all that is gone. I have a life now, and I'm finally starting to like it. I don't need you screwing it up."

"What makes you think I would screw up your life? All I want is to know you better, but all you want is to kick me in the teeth." 

Quistis heard Laguna's heavy footsteps move toward the door, and she and Irvine scampered back to the safety of the lounge. 

"What the hell is his problem?!" Irvine said. "Laguna didn't deserve that." 

"I don't know," Quistis said. "I wanted them to get along, but I'm not sure I like Squall very much right now. It's like he's going out of his way to be a complete bastard. I don't—"

The door swung open, cutting off her sentence, and Laguna entered, looking dejected and something else. Dejected and angry.

"It didn't work," he said, throwing himself into an armchair. 

"I'm sorry," Quistis said, not knowing what else to say. "Maybe if I talk to him--"

"No," Laguna said. "It would be a waste of time. He's not listening to anyone but himself. I'm sorry I troubled you."

"He might not be listening to words, but he's going to listen to my fists," Irvine said, and he stomped out the door before Quistis could respond. 

"Are you going to go after him?" Laguna asked. 

"No. Maybe Squall does need a kick in the butt," she said. "Besides, Irvine can take care of himself. I have another idea. It's time to call in reinforcements."

Several hours later, Quistis found Laguna in the cafeteria, picking at a plate of spaghetti. He'd changed into an old pair of jeans and a Hawaiian T-shirt. He looked at her and smiled, but, as the queen of forced grins, she knew one when she saw one. 

"I've spoken to Rinoa," Quistis said, "and she's coming home. I sent Selphie on the Ragnarok to pick her up, and the way she flies, they'll be back yesterday."

"Do you think she can help?" Laguna said. 

"I don't know, but it's worth a shot."

He didn't look convinced, but he nodded. "You were wrong about what you said to me a few days ago." Quistis looked at him questioningly. 

"Squall commands an army and has averted an apocalypse, but he still has a lot of growing up to do. In many ways, he's a good boy with the potential to be a good man. But he's not there yet." 

Quistis didn't know what to say. She'd never seen Laguna this serious before, and she'd never thought of Squall in that way before, either. 

Laguna took a bite of his spaghetti and changed the subject. "I don't know how much longer I can stay. I left Kiros and Ward in charge in Esthar, but they'll need me back--"

He was cut off by Dr. Kadowacki's voice over the intercom. "Instructor Trepe, please report to the infirmary immediately. Repeat, Instructor Trepe, report to the infirmary."

Quistis couldn't imagine why her presence would be requested in the infirmary, other than the fact that she hadn't heard from Irvine since he'd stormed out of the lounge, fists at the ready. She excused herself with the sinking feeling that she knew who had come out on the short end of that encounter. 

"I knew this was a bad idea," Quistis said, staring down at a very black-and-blue Irvine Kinneas. "What were you thinking?"

"Well, as I was getting pounded, I was thinking about what a bad idea it was."

"I don't believe Squall beat you up."

"Ehh, I asked for it. He was busy unloading on a T-Rex, and I picked a fight. I just got so mad about what he said to Laguna." Irvine went on to tell Quistis what had happened in the training center. 

Irvine had searched the entire Garden looking for him, and had finally gone down there looking for an explanation for Squall's attitude. He found the SeeD commander plunging his gunblade into a T-Rex. The beast was wounded but putting up a fight, and Squall had looked as if he'd already taken quite a beating. Irvine had watched his friend go after the dinosaur over and over again, seemingly oblivious to the blood running down his head and out of gashes in his shirt. He'd been sweating profusely, and, from the looks of it, he'd been at it for awhile. Irvine had tried to get his attention, but Squall was consumed with beating the monster into submission. Finally, Irvine whipped out his shotgun and started blasting the T-Rex. It took the two of them another 10 minutes to bring it down. They spent several long moments catching their breath before Squall pulled Irvine up off the ground by his collar. 

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked. 

"Saving your butt. Only an idiot would take on a T-Rex by himself. Are you an idiot, Squall?" The temperature in the room was always balmy, but Irvine felt it go up a few notches as Squall's muscles tensed. Then he felt the blow. Irvine wasn't expecting the physical violence, so it took him a moment to recover and land a few blows of his own. But Squall had the strength and adrenaline advantage, and soon it was all Irvine could do to keep himself from getting pummeled. Finally, Squall's arms fell to his side, and he allowed Irvine to straighten himself out. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Irvine asked. Anger and humiliation had overwhelmed any sense of concern he'd carried into the training area. 

Squall muttered, "I don't know. I'm sorry." 

Irvine, who stood a few inches taller than Squall, looked down at him. An instructor at Galbadia Garden had always told him that you could tell everything you needed to know about people by reading their eyes, but Irvine was confused by what he saw in Squall's. There was regret, certainly, and a clear apology, but there was something else that Irvine couldn't quite grasp. Was it grief?

"I'm sorry," Squall repeated. I don't have time for this. None of us has time for this." And he walked out, leaving Irvine to stare at his back, bewildered. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" he shouted after him. Squall didn't respond, and Irvine followed him into the hallway. 

"I asked you a question, and I expect you to answer it. Don't pull this silence crap on us again, not after all that's happened."

Squall stopped and turned around. "I'm sorry, Irvine, really. I wouldn't know how to explain it even if I wanted to. Now you'd better get to the infirmary before your face swells up."

He continued walking, and this time Irvine let him go. 

Quistis listened to Irvine finish his story, and her mind raced. What did Squall mean when he said 'I don't have time for this'? He wasn't one to waste words, and the ones he did use were important. But what did it mean? 

"Look," Irvine said, rubbing his sore cheek. "I don't know what's going on, but I think this is more than Squall being his usual stubborn, ornery self."

"Agreed. But Rinoa's probably the only one who can find out what it is, and she won't be here for a few hours. Until then, just give him a wide berth." 

Quistis watched Squall's chest rise and fall as he slept. The bruises from his fight with the T-Rex and Irvine were mostly gone, courtesy of a cure spell, Quistis suspected, but he twisted restlessly in his sleep. She watched Rinoa run her fingers lightly across the scar on his forehead, and Squall stirred. He blinked a few times in the light streaming through his window, and then he stood abruptly. 

"What do you want?" he asked. "Ummm…I'm sorry, I mean, why are you back so soon?"

"I missed you, you big doof," Rinoa replied, smiling and running her long fingers through his hair. He glanced at Quistis. "And I'm sure a quick call asking you to come back didn't hurt," he said. 

Her smile evaporated, and she held Squall's face between her hands. "Quistis was worried about you. Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad," he said, pulling away from her. "I'm just annoyed that no one seems to know how to mind their own business."

Rinoa turned to Quistis. "Would you mind giving us a few moments alone?"

"Of course," Quistis answered, and she backpedaled out of the room. It closed behind her, and she paused outside the door when she saw Laguna standing there. He shrugged sheepishly. 

"I couldn't help it," he said. "I heard Rinoa was here, and I wanted to hear what they were saying."

Considering her earlier activities, Quistis knew she had no business admonishing Laguna for spying. 

"So, you wanna listen with me?" he asked. 

Quistis felt herself blush. This would be the second time in as many days that she had spied on her commander, but her curiosity was overwhelming. Now she didn't even have Irvine as an excuse. They hunkered down by the door and listened.

"I just don't understand why you're being so difficult," Rinoa said. 

"I can't explain it," Squall answered, and Quistis could practically hear him pacing across the room. 

"Yes you can," Rinoa said resolutely. "Try."

"There's no time."

"Yeah, Irvine mentioned that you said that. What does that mean?"

There was a long silence, and she sighed. "I can't take it anymore, Squall. I thought we were beyond this."

"I'm not trying to be difficult with you," he promised. "You know I love you."

"Yeah, I know. So why won't you tell me why you're being so mean to Laguna?"

At the mention of his name, Laguna shifted slightly and fell off balance. He caught himself and slid the rest of the way down the wall. 

"You really love him, don't you?" Quistis whispered. "Even though you barely know him."

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"Why?"

Laguna looked confused. "What do you mean, 'why'?"

"I spent three years in an adoptive home after leaving the orphanage. I tried to fit in, but it didn't work out. No matter what I did, they never liked me much. And here you are, trying so hard to get close to Squall when he won't even give you the time of day. I guess I just don't understand."

"He's my son," Laguna said simply. "When I look at him, I see Raine. I loved her so much, and she was so happy to be having our child. Then, when I saw him for the first time in Esthar, I was -- I was overwhelmed. I was face to face with my son, who was ready to take on the ultimate darkness. I thought, 'how could I have produced a kid like that?' Then I realized he must have gotten mostly Raine's genes."

Quistis smiled at his self-deprecating humor. "Hey, you're not such a slouch yourself."

"Perhaps, but we're getting muscle cramps for nothing if we're not going to continue eavesdropping." They turned their attention back to the conversation on the other side of the door. The words were getting louder now, and Quistis could feel the emotion seep under the door and into the hallway.

"There's nothing anybody can do about it!" Squall said, his voice cracking slightly. "Ultimecia said--" he cut himself off, apparently realizing he'd said too much. 

"What did Ultimicia say?" Rinoa asked, pouncing on this meager hint to what was bothering him. She'd been knocked unconscious and absorbed into time shortly after the sorceress had summoned Griever, so she had no idea what the woman had said. There was a long pause, and Rinoa's voice took on an angry edge. 

"I don't believe you! You won't listen to a damn thing anybody tells you, but you'll listen to some genocidal psychopath from the future. Do you still believe we're going to leave you?"

"Not because you want to, but because you have no choice."

There was another long silence, and then Squall spoke again, the words coming fast and furious. "No matter how hard we cling to each other or our lives, it'll all disappear someday. Friends will drift apart, jobs will end, and eventually, everyone you love dies, if you don't die first. We're all alone in the end. What's the point of loving people if it's inevitable that they're going to disappear?"

"But you love me, you said -- and the others," Rinoa pointed out. "What about us?"

"I loved you before I could help myself, before I could stop myself. But I don't need to make it worse."

"Even Laguna?"

"Especially Laguna."

"But he's your father! I know what it's like to be distanced from my father, and I don't want to see you waste as much time as I did."

"Time! Time!" Squall screamed, and Quistis and Laguna heard a glass fall to the floor and shatter. "We've already lost too much time. All those years in the orphanage, when he somehow couldn't find the time to come back for me. He loved Raine and your mother, and where did that get him? Nowhere, because he ran out of time. And what did I do? I wasted years looking for Sis, and I found her, but I'm still going to lose her again. And I'm going to lose you, too, someday. I can't stand it!" 

Quistis heard a muffled sob, and then nothing, and she felt an ache in her heart so deep that it hurt. She grasped at memories of her days at the orphanage -- the day Sis left. It was the last time she'd seen Squall cry, but the sound didn't break her heart like it did now. She looked down at her hands, suddenly ashamed at herself for intruding on such an intimate moment. Laguna must have had the same feeling, because he suggested that they leave. As they walked away, Quistis wondered how anybody could spend his life so heartachingly lonely. 

That night, Squall dreamed. It was more of a memory than a dream -- a memory he wished the Guardian Forces would take, like they had taken so many others. He found himself in a barren, desolate wasteland, looking for his friends. There was nothing for miles. They'd defeated Ultimicea, but now he was lost, and he was facing the very real possibility that he would die there -- alone. He called for them, but they didn't answer. His cries echoed in the vast emptiness, and then faded into nothing. He dragged his feet, his throat parched and his legs aching. He'd keep going until he dropped, and then he would die. So much for a happy ending. 

When he couldn't take another step, he dropped to his knees in defeat. 

"OK, I'm done. Just end it," he said to no one in particular. He was surprised when he heard a voice behind him. 

"I'm disappointed in you, giving up so soon," the voice said. It was a woman's voice, and Squall turned. His throat grew tight when he saw who it was.

"Raine," he said. "What are you doing here?" He recognized her from the final vision he'd had, during time compression, when he'd seen Laguna propose to her in the field. She looked the same now -- young and alive. But she didn't look nearly as happy. 

"I wanted to talk to you," she said, "but you chose the place."

Squall frowned in a total lack of understanding, and Raine sighed. 

"You exist here, in this emptiness. This place outside of time."

"Why are you here?"

"Because I love you, and I love Laguna, and right now, you're irritating the heck out of me."

Squall was silent. Part of him was too tired to form words, and another part of him was numbed by the fact that he was talking to his mother. He hadn't allowed himself to think too much about her, but it was hard to ignore her now. 

"I remember the months you spent growing inside me, and the joy I felt the first time you kicked. I thought of all the happy times we would spend together, you, me and your father."

"But those happy times never came. We never had a future. It was all a waste."

"No, Squall, it wasn't a waste at all." Her eyes shone with unshed tears. 

"What do you have to show for it?" he asked. "Nothing but a cold piece of granite."

"I have much more than that. I have you, and Laguna, and the happiness of loving – and being loved. Squall, I want all those things for you." Her eyes were so full of compassion and sadness that he had to look away. 

"But it's all so futile," he whispered. 

"Not futile. Just temporary. That's why you have to make each day count. I don't regret a single moment I spent with Laguna. He brought so much light to my life, and I know I brought light to his. I know you can do that for each other."

"He won't like me very much."

"He loves you more deeply than you can know. Please, go talk to him," she pleaded. 

Squall looked around at the dead land around him, and at the cold mist that filled the sky. He was tired of this, tired of being cold and alone and afraid. He decided then to go see Laguna. As he stood up, flowers began to sneak up through the cracked landscape, and the mist faded into a pale blue sky. He felt grass beneath his feet, and, as he looked around, he recognized the place. It was the field where he'd promised to meet Rinoa. 

"There, that's much better," Raine said, nodding in approval. "I love you, Squall," she said, and kissed him on the forehead. "Send my love to your father." Then she vanished. 

Squall found Laguna in the cafeteria the next morning, eating a stack of pancakes dripping with maple syrup. It was a little after 8 a.m., and the cafeteria was crowded, but Laguna was sitting alone. Squall strolled up to the table, trying to ignore the loud pounding in his chest. How could he apologize to this man, whom he'd insulted regularly since they'd met? 

"May I sit down?" he asked.

Laguna looked him up and down slowly, and then motioned for him to sit. Squall took the seat, but everything he'd planned to say vanished in a blink under Laguna's questioning gaze.

"You loved Raine very much didn't you?" Squall asked. 

Laguna took a few seconds to chew and swallow his breakfast, and then answered, "Yes. She was everything to me."

Squall debated with himself whether to tell Laguna about the dream, and then decided to go for it. He told the other man about what Raine had said to him during the night, and the corner of Laguna's mouth quirked up. 

"That sounds like my Raine," he said wistfully. 

"Laguna, I'm so sorry," Squall said. The words came out of him in a breathless rush. They had been long overdue, and it felt good to say them. But he had so much else to say, and the words eluded him. 

"It's OK," Laguna said, reaching out to touch his son's hand. "We don't have to say everything now." 

Squall breathed a sigh of relief. Laguna looked and acted like a bumbling fool, but he knew how to talk to people. Squall felt himself looking forward to finding out what other surprises he held. 

"So, what now?" Squall asked. 

"Well, I was thinking we could go fishing on Sunday morning. Or maybe play ball and eat pizza in the park." 

Suddenly, those things didn't seem so stupid. Squall and Laguna stood and walked together to the exit, oblivious to the five pairs of eyes that followed them through the crowded room. 

"So, does this mean Sir Laguna will be stopping by more often?" Selphie squealed. Her delight was almost palpable. 

"I hope so," Zell answered, talking around bites of a day-old hot dog the cafeteria lady had saved for him. "Laguna rocks!"

Rinoa said with utter certainty, "Someday, Laguna's gonna be my father-in-law."

The others looked at her, stunned, and even Zell stopped chewing to stare at her. 

"Relax, everybody, I said someday."

They started talking again, and Quistis smiled at the thought of Squall as a husband and father, and Laguna as a grandfather. There was so much future ahead for all of them, and she wanted to savor every moment of it. 

END


End file.
